PISS (Pandas In Satan's Service)

This came in the e-mail courtesy of Sammy.

bollocks

I have never seen a jeepney that let out so much smoke like the one I was on, going to work, the other jeepneys paled in comparison, they were shamed, some even looked scared shitless...this jeepney spewed so much noxious fumes it's hard to believe I'm still writing this post, I should be dead by now and thus fulfilling my belief that I'll die young, smoke inhalation, carbon monoxide poisoning whatever...but fate wouldn't have it so here I am, with the stench of engine fumes stuck to my nose.

The only thing that came to my mind was an image of a squid squirting ink as it escapes from a fish that's about to make it dinner on some Discovery Channel program; a squid with wheels!

"The Unguarded Moment"
The Church

So hard finding inspiration
I knew you'd find me crying
Tell those girls with rifles for minds
That their jokes don't make me laugh
They only make me feel like dying
In an unguarded moment

So long, long between mirages
I knew you'd find me drinking
Tell those men with horses for hearts
That their jibes don't make me bleed
They only make me feel like shrinking
In an unguarded moment

So deep, deep without a meaning
I knew you'd find me leaving
Tell those friends with cameras for eyes
That their hands don't make me hang
They only make me feel like breathing
In an unguarded moment

I GOT the book last year from a friend, Vic Magdaraog, who sent it to me to help me recuperate from an operation. He thought I was still confined at St. Luke's after my doctor, and friend, Jiji Sison, took out my gall bladder. I wasn't. I was there for only three nights, I was anxious to get home, and did. But the book did help in my swift recovery at home, though it caused me no small amount of discomfiture chuckling out loud while the wound underneath my ribs, hidden by the sewn skin in that part of my body, healed. » read more

For the punctuation offenders and grammatically challenged in all of us.

» from inq7.net (There's The Rub by Conrado de Quiros)

too tired to care.

I have been thinking...A LOT, lately about the things happening around me, about the inner turmoil, about the external distractions and the mental anguish, the emotional roller coaster, the spiritual tug of war and the physical implications. I can be too obssesive-compulsive about things which may seem trivial and then, more often than not I badger myself about such simple, everyday bullshit even if I don't have to—which may prove that I am partially insane. I will only say partial because I have not yet been diagnosed clinically...YET is the word.

- - -

Used To Be A Sweet Boy
- Morrissey

Used to be a sweet boy
Holding so tightly
To Daddy's hand
But that was all
In some distant land
Blazer and tie
And a big bright healthy smile
Used to make all
Of our trials worthwhile

Used to be a sweet boy
And I'm not to blame
But something went wrong
Something went wrong
And I know
I'm not to blame
Something went wrong
Can't be to blame

- - -

"the shade is a tool, a device — a savior"

it's 7 but i wish it was never
the night is extended, and the day sat around
like a pound of ground meat...

is murder, a murder of crows

festering, beneath the remains
of a life and a day.

a day
in the life of...something is wrong,
because i heard you humming, wrapping twine
around your finger, to never forget

nor regret. but i wish it was never
today, and the next, ever and forever in
our breaths we will turn blue as we
hold

hold and to not let go, that is the trick.
to grasp at everything and never give an

inch

never,

for i wish it to be never.

"Gasping - dying - but somehow still alive
This is the final stand of all I am"

Everyone at home is making a fuss about Friday which is the last thing I would have wanted, but you can't really blame mothers and wives for that matter. I got home last night and they already had plans...THEY, not me...had PLANS for MY birthday. If things were up to me, all I'd want is just a big bag of potato chips and a good movie, maybe SE7EN or some other serial killer movie and I'll be a happy camper.

But they have plans.

Whatever.

The past 2 days were excruciatingly painful for me...I don't know if my boss noticed but I was really off for the past few days. I won't mince words when I say that I have lost love for this job, maybe I'm just over-reacting or maybe I am just in some kind of rut, but It's getting harder everyday getting up and going to work. I never felt this way when I was still with the old company...I don't know, maybe I'm just too burned out.

I'm really trying because it's hard when your feeling this way, your work suffers and it's not really healthy for you and also for your colleagues. The drive isn't there anymore...everything seems fucked up, I'm having flashbacks of my very fist job and it's not a pretty sight when you have these experiences being played back in your mind.

I'm too tired.

Maybe I need to step back, put everything down and just take a deep breath and just chill.

I know it's just one of those phases we all go through...tomorrow is another day, we'll see what it'll bring.

TYLENOL ROCKS!

I was coming down with fever a few hours ago, then I reached for my little medicine box in my backpack, downed a capsule of Tylenol and BAM! Fever gets kicked in the ass or nuts I'm really not sure but Tylenol put the smackdown on that impending fever, opened up a can of whoop-ass and so here I am, blogging about how Tylenol rocks instead of lying on the floor, like a big heap of quivering flesh.

To all those who greeted me on my birthday, thank you...I wish I could have thanked you sooner but I got sick, anyway thank you...YOU ROCK!

I was sick on New Year's Eve, and then I got sick yet again...of all days, my birthday! Which sucked because my fever would not let up, the fever decided to behave like an elevator rising up and then plummeting at any given time.

But being sick on your birthay sure has its privileges because you get EXTRA ATTENTION...hehehe.

- - -

Today is Valentine's day, no plans. I'll be going straight for home after work.

No dates, no nothing; we're trying to avoid the hordes of people in the malls today, and I find it just a bit cheesy to go out of your way to please your partner just for today, and come tomorrow it'll seem like Valentine's day never came and people are back to their old selves; why not go out of your way EVERYDAY to make that special someone feel even more special...I'd like to think that if there is such a thing as making everyday feel like Christmas, why not make everyday be like Valentine's day. You don't have to go to some fancy restaurant or treat your loved one to a fancy dinner today, why not do it at any day...when they least expect it or when they are having a really shitty day, drag them to their favorite coffe shop or go see a movie. I bet they'll appreciate it even more.

All I'm saying is that it's those little things that count...everyday. Not just for one day that was made so that greeting card companies, candy stores, malls and flower shops could rake in wads of cash.

- - -

I got A Perfect Circle's new CD for a birthday gift from the coolest people you could ever hope to work with. Thanks!

As I gently put my hand on to her now bulging tummy, as if on cue the little creature slowly but surely forming inside her womb kicked twice in rapid succession. Maybe he just wanted to play, or maybe he wanted to let me know that "Yes, I know it's you, the sweaty palms already gave you away", or perhaps he was trying to say "Dude, it's 6AM, people are trying to sleep...FUCK OFF!"

I love that kid.

Why can't we just play the other game?
Why can't we just look the other way?

Listen to The Nickelback Conspiracy and you be the judge.

› from jjchandler.com

Why the fuck can't I view my site!? I can log-in, go to the control panels but when I click the link to launch my site, it goes to this MSN page telling me my page is not available. I can view other parts of the blog as well as other sites, but I can't launch my site...I'm pissed!

Don't tell me they have found yet another site to restrict?

FUCK!

The blog is still blocked but I'll still post even if I can't view the site itself, I still have the control panels.

People can be such petty creatures...

Chalk this one up to my list of reasons, for what...i'll just keep them private for now.

An old friend and I had a good IM conversation a few hours ago. Too bad he had bad news, seems to be having trouble at home. i hope things will work out, it's sad when bad things happen to good people but that's just life, love it or leave it it sucks for most parts.

- - -

I'm looking forward to going home, I got some Kit-Kats for a certain pregnant lady waiting there, with a baby twitching and doing the calypso in her tummy.

It's still blocked, I keep on clicking, in a futile attempt to see if by some miracle or if by any chance or by magic the block is down, but i click to no avail...and so we just shake our heads in dismay, as my fellow bloggers here try to find answers, some closure as to why they keep treating us like 7-year olds. It's just a fucking blog, at the end of the day we get the job done, that's what's important right? So why of all things are they setting their sights on a blog instead of perfecting the art of making...oh fuck, what's the use?

But why of all things, a blog?

I have been silent for the most part, content to let my other, more "vocal" colleagues to rant and rave, but I thought...I have a blog, and what's a blog for but to rant until the veins in my neck pop and I spurt blood, to wail and flail my arms in disgust, to scream until I turn my vocal chords inside out. I made and kept a blog in the hopes of maintaining my sanity in the workplace. Now I am putting it to good use.

And I am pretty sure, I speak for those who have blogs here that have been deprived of the freedom to write their thoughts and to maintain a little bit of reason in a very unresonable world when I say...

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Last Saturday, Kim and I had a chance to get out of the house and go to the mall; yes, the ever popular past-time for most of us these days...malling. It seems that malling has been used as a cure for every known sickness, malady or predicament. Bored? Go to the mall, got too much extra time to burn...mill around the mall, hungry...you guessed it, mall! A bored and pregnant woman tired of TV with nothing better to do? Try the mall.

So we found ourselves in SM where it was packed, I found out later as to why almost all of Cebu was crammed into this boon or bane (depending on how you see malls) of modern day convenience...Eat Bulaga! was having their show at the parking lot.

But we were there, no sense turning back, and with only 2 major malls to choose from we were not in any position to bitch and moan.

So after a few hours of walking sideways to avoid bumping into someone, we got hungry so we decided to grab some fast food, one of the wonders of modern day convenience, no matter what you say, I'll have a Quarter Pounder over fine dining anyday...but I digress. So back to the subject, we got our food and we ate, silently...no time to talk. Must...stuff...food...in...mouth...QUICK! I don't talk much when I eat, there's plenty of time to talk when I'm done.

Here's a good subject when your shoving a fistful of french fries down your throat...death, and the concept of Heaven and Hell. Blame it on the movie we just saw before dinner which was "Constantine" or the fact that watching Keanu Reeves was as enjoyable as having a root canal, thus the image of Hell flashing in my brain. Kim asked me what my view was...about the idea of a Heaven for the righteous and faithful and Hell for the wicked, and for those who listen to rock and roll because let's face it, it's the devil's music...hehe.

Most of us, I presume have been in Catholic schools at one point in their lives and since day one, we have been fed this idea. Sure, I bought this idea and at times I still do...but there's nothing wrong with questioning the foundations and precepts of my faith, some might say that it's blasphemous but I say it's just natural. These are just religious dogma.

No one ever came back from the dead and said that all of us should be obedient to God because Heaven is such a wonderful place, or that we should be good because Hell sucks so much ass.

You're telling me about Heaven...dude, you're still here.

What if there is no such place? What if when we die, we just stop? Like a TV being turned off...everything just stops, and all conciousness ceases, no dreams, no visions, no sensations of floating towards a light, nothing. Ever experienced this feeling when we sleep, in that small window we spend in the waking world and the realm of slumber...that instance wherein we just, sort of stop in between? I think that's what happens, if there is really no Heaven or Hell; everything just stops, and there's nothing about us going to another plane or dimension all garbed in white, up on clouds. I think we just stop. We die and it's over.

I don't really know, it's just an idea.

I could be wrong.

By this time Kim disposed of all her food in record time...and she just started on her sundae. I don't know about Heaven but Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman left alone with a Big Mac, fries and a drink.

Funny thing happened this afternoon...I'm not sure if you can call it funny but what happened was someone at my back, fell off of her chair...she being quite a large woman, made a big noise as her chair got tipped over...I turned around and saw her on the floor...but instead of helping her, all I did was I got hold of the chair and turned it upright while I stared at her. Normally I would have helped her, but not this time...not today.

I finished designing a book...if you can call it "designing", and got Kim's letter. I want some rest or a good night's sleep...I want to run, where? I don't know. I want to draw something but everytime I grab a pencil, my hand is still. The reflection is not what it used to be...it's elongated and the image is not the old one, which feels weird because it says a lot about what I have been going through in the past few days, it is skewed but good in a strandge kind of way, sick and wicked to some extent, but the light flashes, and in a few hours I will embark on yet another journey into the darkness of man's hearts and the pureness of his empathy.

Pureness is such a foreign word these days. It has gone out of style.

My back aches, never will you think that staring at a computer would fall under "back-breaking work"...some of us here, backs are not the only ones broken...the human spirit is much more fragile and I see the shards, mingling with spit and grime on polished tiles, I said this was a sterile environment...sterile and bare, like the palm of my hands, like the darkness in front of me...like tomorrow.

I turn and I see white, gray...colors muted and dry. I look up and see black space as orange, tangerine snakes made of metal, intertwine, wriggle and writhe above me. The walls have ears they say, they have eyes and I have fingers, 10 of them to poke each and every orb. I look behind me and all they do is talk, about what I don't know...and I don't give a fuck. I know what they are talking about and it's not what people are wishfully thinking. It's not what we want to hear, so save your breath and spare us the bullshit.

It's half past 6, and I am half-empty.

I need to stop.
I am running out of ideas.
This place does that to you.

I need to get away.
I need to run

Where?

Anywhere but here.

The holiday is over, I'm back at the office...yes, I'm back. There were times when I entertained the idea of not coming back, I asked myself "Is it worth all the trouble?", luckily my more reasonable side prevailed over the irrational one. 4 days went by like the seasons, they came and went like some cold wind on a summer night...fleeting. At times I thought that I just wasted 4 days, but seeing the glow on my wife's face for the entirety of those 4 days...I got some validtaion, that not a single second was wasted.

It seemed that I spent most of my time tummy-watching. It's just an overwhelming experience, seeing Kim's bulging stomach undulate with every movement, vibrate then some little bulge would shift left to right and vice-versa. It's hard to be looking at it and hold back tears at the same time, luckily I had a cold so I had an excuse if someone noticed my eyes watering...fortunately no one noticed. The weird part was yesterday, I was closely watching the bulge (maybe it's the baby's head?) move, push, then slide down, then a part of her stomach would shake, Kim would sometimes squirm or squeal and say that it tickles...all this while we were watching ALIENS, you know the movie where bad-ass creatures from space impregnate humans then their offsprings come out of people's stomach's...tearing a hole in the process, it was weird.

- - -

Friday was just too boring so we decided to go to...you guessed it, the mall. Bad idea. Ayala Center Cebu was packed...It was EDSA Day and what better way to commemorate this fatefule day in our history than wander around aimlessly.

Met up with lazyboy who was bored stiff at home, I'm guessing that was his reason as to why he decided to brave the mall on a holiday...at least that was ours. Oh and he finally returned my MP3's...thanks pre!

That evening, we went to Kittie's birthday party. That John Mayer-Raymund Bagatsing look-alike friend of ours, his name is Phillip but we prefer to call him Kittie, it's a long story but he has no objections, he enjoys being called Kittie...it makes him sound harmless to the ladies...I think? But does it work? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT.