:.

After all the sweets have been eaten and are now stored as fat in our system and then the subsequent promises of losing weight this year, after all the left0overs, the fruitcake gone stale, the salads now starting to form new types of mold and eventually flourishing into some form of vegetation in our fridge, after all the hams have been diced, sliced and shoved in our collective cake holes, after the cakes, the pastries, the chicken, turkey, duck, goose, parrots what have you...have all been, stuffed, skewered, baked, barbequed, braised, bruised, chopped and made into stew...after all the cheese is consumed and now are clogging our arteries, the liqour now a distant hang over, after the firecrackers have all snapped, crackled and popped, and for some unfortunate ones not being able to count up to ten with their fingers anymore.

What now?

All I can say is that — good and bad, 2004 was one fucked up year.

If I should look back and find some instance that has made the past year profound and gave a lasting impression in me, I would have to say discovering that I would be a father...nothing compares.

The past year has taught me that greed, hate, pride, ignorance and fear can destroy years of friendship and trust, shift loyalties, wreck families...I have seen it.

If there's one thing 2004 has taught me, it's to be mature enough to accept the things that you have no power over and be able to see the experience in a different light and take what you can out of all the mess that's happened and learn from it.

But my faith in friendship, trust and family was galvanized that same year.

That happiness is found in the simplest of things or the people around you.

As I start the new year I am OPTIMISTIC — and in some ways being optimistic is new for me.

:.

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DRAIN THE BLOOD
The Distillers


I'm living on shattered faith
The kind that likes to restrict your breath
never been a better time than this
suffocate on eternal bliss

In a city
that swells with so much hate
you seem to rise above
and take its place
the heart pumps until it dies
drain the blood, the heart is wise

All my friends are murder
All my bones are marrows in
All these fiends want teenage meat
All my friends are murderers

Away....

I never met a pearl quite like you
who could shimmer and rot at the same time through
there's never been a better time than this
To bite the hand of frost bitten emenence

All my friends are murder
Hey, all my bones are marrows in
All these fiends want teenage meat
All my friends are murderers

Away....away......away....

whoa whoa whoa whoa.....

I'm alive in uterine
a star in the dark a new day has dawned
open up and let it flow
I'll make it yours so here we go...


All my friends are murder
Hey, all my bones are marrows in
All these fiends want teenage meat
All my friends are murderers

Away hes gone away......[till the song ends]

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I have lazyboy to thank for my copy of this movie...lazyboy, even though all you do is bum around the house, procrastinate, swore of jogging, inspite of the fact that other than school, all you ever do is collect dust and cobwebs lying around in your room, with the occasional drinking binge here and there, or just wasting time and marinating in your own juices at home...you're still okay in my book.

YOU ROCK!

I have yet to watch this movie. I'm still finding time, I can't just watch it anytime at home because Kim is too chicken shit to watch this movie..I think my mother is too.

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:.

Looking back, I started this blog as a band aid solution after the demise of my previous blog at hatelife. It was Norman who introduced me to Tabulas, I thought it was just temporary, at the back of my mind I was hoping that hatelife would be back, and in so doing I waited and waited and in the process I blogged, mercilessly I blogged here holding my breath. It's funny that what you thought was just a transitory resolution would turn out to be not what you would have expected. I have met some good friends, albeit I have never seen some of them in person, they still make my day everyday as I visit their respective blogs. I even turned one of my friends on to the business of blogging out of sheer annoyance because I got fed up with him sending me missives in Friendster; blog entries really disguised as messages...yeah, I'm talking about you lazyboy!

Oh, by the way if you're planning to go to Moalboal this weekend with the family and if it were up to us, might I suggest we look for a cottage with red lights and plenty of wooden stools to burn...hehee! And no asshole caretakers this time! I swear if I ever see another jerk of a manager like that I'm opening up a big can of whoop-ass! BONFIRES ROCK!

This blog has also been a daily staple for my wife. Everyday, she never fails to read and although she doesn't post comments, I know she's holding that tummy of her's laughing (I hope).

Last night as we were grocery shopping for some toiletries, then at dinner and when we got home she was having difficulty breathing from her cold and she was coughing so hard I didn't know if I should hand her some cough medicine or have her checked for Rabies...she was barking like a Pitbull, if she started foaming at the mouth last night...dude, I'd be running like mad.

After that last paragraph I am really hoping she'd be laughing! ehe he...

But seriously, she's been one hell of a trooper. She's a stand up kind of woman from the word go, and just yesterday when I was hanging a new calendar in the room I marked the 17th and scribbled "2 years" next to the date. 2 AWESOME YEARS! Hah! And you thought we wouldn't last! Actually no one said that to us, I just wanted to write that line.

I try not to write too much about you and as time went by, the baby; because I know you are a private kind of person and godammit this is my blog! I should be writing about me! Remember that time when you said there were 3 things you noticed about my blog, I seem to write mostly about music, cartoons, and you? I guess you're right, I do write about you most of the time. But no matter how hard I try not to, you manage to stealthily sneak your way CREEPILY into my imagination and then when i start to go through what i just wrote, BAM! There you are in a few paragraphs. I guess that speaks a lot of what or in this case who I have constantly in my mind.

Okay, I'll stop now.

:.

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:.

Hospitals are depressing.

Let's leave it at that.
• • •
I'm still feeling the repercussions of the holiday treats I over-zealously devoured this past Christmas and New Year. I thought I'd lose my appettite when I had 39° fevers but NOOOO, I kept chugging along like a well oiled choo-choo train. How can you resist when the fridge, the table, every nook and cranny at home and even at the in-laws' house is filled with these lovely delights? Should I turn a blind eye and deny myself the pleasure...HECK NO!

Fat and lazy — right lazyboy?

I am really aching to go back in the swing of things and return to jogging, but with the present situation, I find it impossible. Time just won't permit, I look at every possibility and it just won't work...the best thing for me right now is wake up at dawn, then just run like mad for at least 30 minutes, up and down the front of our house down to the main road. Our place is situated on a hill, so the path that leads from our house down to the main road is inclined, a good way to really work up a sweat...or kill myself.

Everytime I get home, from down the main road up to our gate, I am always out of breath these days. When I get to the front door I'm panting like a dog in summer.

I don't know, I really would like to do this starting tomorrow but you can just imagine getting up at around 5 at dawn, especially these days when early mornings are cold and the sheets...the sheets.
• • •
I've been reading the news for the past few days now and it seems that Cebu has its own death squad. The body count is now at 13 or 15, I'm not that sure. I don't know what to make of this...part of me wants to say that it's wrong, let the system handle these criminals and that these so called 'vigilantes' have no right to take a person's life regardless of his crimes, evoke due process, human rights and some other shit of the same effect. Then a part of me wants to justify the killings and say that when these men robbed, and to some extent killed some of their victims, did they think of the rights of these poor souls?

Maybe it's a wake up call for a society that's on a stark decline to self-destruction? I don't know...

:.

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DOCTOR DOOM

How in the hell does he take a piss underneath that armor? Although, for a villain, he does look good in a skirt.

:.

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:.

It's almost 2 in the afternoon, as the cold breeze of the airconditioning unit lulls me to sleep, and as I fight valiantly the temptation to fall face down on the desk and slumber, I find myself waging a futile battle. I am losing — badly. I am traversing the fine line between sleep and a world that is awake, a place with the strident chatter of people, the droning of machineries like monsters trapped in a metal closet, screeching, nails scratching, making obscene etchings on the walls; the clicking, tapping of keys, the lurid footsteps shaking the rather flimsy floor. As a person passes behind me, the very foundation of where I sit shakes, and it's a very disqueting feeling.

The music in my ear is not helping, and my eyes are growing tired of reading about the madness of some Roman Emperors, tragic rock star deaths, arcane religions, the occult, Fela Kuti, despots, dictators, serial killers, mass murderers, Alistair Crowley and whatever Google offers me.

I am exceedingly aggravated by the notion that I am running out of websites.

Could it be possible? I don't think so.
• • •
I'm back to square one, laced those running shoes again and my legs feel like shit. It's all good though.

:.

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RONNIE JAMES DIO

The grand wizard of classic rock. A poet of hope for the downtrodden. The single most important vocal technician in the history of heavy metal. All of these accolades have been garlanded upon the royal roar known as Ronnie James Dio.

» Click here to read the full bio of THE VOICE OF METAL.

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For a man of his stature he talked with his hands a lot, and it became nauseating at a certain point. I don't have anything to do as of the moment, I think I'll give professionalism the chance to see daylight at another time, meanwhile I'll just see where this goes. I know tongues will wag and collective screams of frustration will echo in the halls in the coming days, but i will just see where this goes.
• • •
I got an e-mail from Sam (sister in law) that had pictures of Phuket after the recent tsunami tragedy. The images were just too overwhelming for words and I could just imagine the amount of suffering those people felt and are still going through.

In some aspects we are still fortunate.

I hope the survivors can find courage to carry on and start the healing process. Our prayers go out to these brave souls.

:.

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ROBOTS ROCK!

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I am just thankful there was the 'import old template' option, or else I would have been screwed! hehe.• • •We had a good weekend, the Moalboal trip pushed through, although it was unfortunate for lazyboy, just as we were about to leave the terminal, his girlfriend texted him because she needed help; a fire was already raging near her home, so dude was like a superhero, he bolted out of the van, and went straight for Ginny's house...a few hours after that, he texted me and said if it were'nt for a single firewall, her house would have been torched.

God bless firewalls.

If we left hours earlier, who knows what might have happened.

Although he missed a weekend at the beach, I'm glad nothing serious happened, and besides there will be other days. In the meantime, I tip my hat to Jeres, for being there when Ginny needed him most.

And now, I'll stop the sentimental crap, because things might go to Jeres' head, and we don't want that happening now do we? Just kidding pre, you're okay in my book..• • •About Moalboal, the place was just what we expected, white sands, crystal clear waters, great food, alcohol consumption was just crazy. The whole trip was just perfect, but it's just too far, going there just kills!

And on the subject of alcohol, I am never drinking Tanduay 65 again! Okay, I know I've said this before and after a few weeks, I end up breaking this oath, so let me rephrase that. I am never drinking tanduay 65 again in the next few days.

We had a nice bonfire that night, although it paled in comparison to the Argao bonfire we had last year, it was still a decent fire to begin with. It was a shame Kim wasn't able to see the bonfire, she was too tired and slept early, but nothing to be worried about, we'll still have plenty of time to do such things.

The weekend excursion was just what everyone needed, although it was short, it was one memorable trip, now if I can only post some pictures; maybe in the coming days.

The day seemed to have just breezed through. One thing I noticed with the new place is that time appears to be in hyperdrive, the hours just zip past and next thing you know, it's quitting time. I have been busy, but not too busy which is a bit disconcerting because to tell you the truth, I feel lazy today...and if you're in the office, the last ting you want to be caught doing is slacking.

It's 35 minutes past 5, I am almost done with the book i'm making but the problem is that in-between pages I take sabbaticals. It's a Monday, what can I say...and, can you blame me? Show me someone who says they love Mondays and I'll show you a liar.

I had a chance to catch a movie last night with Kim which was cool because I lost track of when exactly was the last time we took the night off to see one. We decided on 'Blade Trinity', it was an okay movie, we thought the first one was better though, Deacon Frost played by Stephen Dorff was one bad-ass vampire.

The whole time we were in the theater, she said that the baby was constantly moving. The sound must have caused it. The cinema we were in had these speakers that can jiggle your ass and shake your large intestines, tricking them into thinking that it's time to unload, making you want to shit just by the vibrations when an explosion happens or a groovy bass line would come along; the soundtrack didn't help either because it was mostly hip-hop, and when you talk about rap, groovy bass lines are sure to be around.

The baby must have thought "This isn't the TV, it's too loud! What happened to the Discovery Channel? Maybe Mommy fell asleep and sat on the remote?" The baby usually moves around everytime we watch TV at home, or when Kim hums "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" before she sleeps, one time she tried to experiment and sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" for the baby but the response was cold, dude didn't even move an inch, this is one tough customer. I think the kid plays favorites too, Kim has had the pleasure of being able to feel it move everytime she places her hands on her belly, I on the other hand haven't felt squat! Everytime I put my hand on Kim's tummy — NOTHING! I hope this attitude doesn't grow on her, or else we are seriously in deep shit.

When we got home, my parents bought some stuff for the baby; clothes, booties, caps, towels and other essential things the baby can use. Everytime they go grocery shopping they never fail to bring back something. When Kim's parents arrived, they brought stuff for the baby as well, first grand child for both sides of the family...if this is the sign of things to come, that kid will be spoiled rotten with an inclination to be fussy when it comes to music. If I would have my way, I'd rather have the latter though, that'll be a good indicator that she'll be discerning when it comes to music.

I can see it now. "Hmmm, what CD should I give Dad for Father's Day? This Collector's Edition Box Set of The Cocteau Twins, or This Collectors Edition Box Set of The Smiths?"

Hehe.

I have had it with these ads! I suck at HTML I'll be the first to admit that, so I'll just step back for now and find time later to tweak and rid this site of these annoying ads.

I am so sleepy I can fall off of this chair any minute now.

2 books to go. The day seems to be dragging its feet, time used to be so fast in this place, you look down on your monitor, then you look up at the clock and next thing you know it's 7 in the evening. Now, I look at the clock on the wall and the hands seem to be turning counter-clockwise. This week has been very unproductive for me, sure I've churned out books day in and day out but today has just been dull.

Days like this feel surreal.

I wish I could post lyrics just to compensate for the lack of substance of my entry today but that too is becoming a problem...I don't have one in mind. I have my headphones on, and I feel isolated. I have my headphones on but I don't have the music that could convey what the day has turned into. As I have said...surreal. I feel all gooey inside, I am Jello, my knees feel like butter and the air is thick and it's hard to breathe, today might as well be the worst since the year began.

To sum it all up — I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

I know if Kim reads this she'll be worried, so i'm saying it in public, out in the open...to the internet no less...I AM FINE. I just feel like today could have been good but so far, it just blows. Maybe some of this resentment is coming from being burned out, stress or this whole HTML fiasco...that or something else.

There are so many factors I'll run out of fingers if I count them. It's becoming stale, trying to complain and let's face it, my worries are pathetic compared to the concerns of people out of jobs, the homeless and those sick and people living hand to mouth. Passing by the uptown area last night, I saw a father and his son on a sidewalk, preparing pieces of cardboard from boxes for what appears to be their bed, now if I told them even the least of my worries I'm afraid they'll laugh so hard they'd die; and please don't say, "At least they'll die happy", that's just not nice.

I'm not trying to be mellowdramatic, I'm just showing the contrasts and pointing out to myself that I do not have the right to bitch and moan ALL THE TIME.

- - -

Kim and I picked out a new pair of shoes for her last night, I keep telling her to give herself a treat once in a while, to pamper herself..she finally gave in. So I got out of the office as fast as I could, the only bad side to getting out of the office at 7 in the evening is not having enought time to look around so you have to rush things, luckily she had her eye on this shoe so we just went straight to the shop and got them. It was cool, plus...she needed new ones anyway, her feet seems to have grown or puffed up, she doesn't wear her Chucks anymore...too bad, a pregnant woman in Chucks looks rather fetching.

- - -

To ruthie, I'm still an idiot when it comes to HTML but thanks for helping.

Sunburnt skin peeling and my ankles hurt...

Today has been quite busy. My hands hurt even more from coloring artworks for this one book; it's all good though...not much to do anyway.

- - -

Tomorrow will suck, I just know it...

There's something about the dawn that makes me want to look forward each day as I get up and try as best I can to fight off sleep and brave the early morning cold to run, there is something special in that feeling of solitude, a melancholy mood, an eerie kind of peace. The city sleeps and her denizens are either on their way back home or leaving for work. They go and they scurry with a bewildered look on their faces, others appear dazed, some seem still asleep. You see serenity in faces, a calm look that eludes you during the rest of the day. The cold air crawls up your spine and you look for some place, someone to curl up next to. You see the city or in this case the town in a different perspective, and the mind would wander, daydream, you can solve mathematical equations, you could write stories on a stretch of highway, compose poems or songs, put together novels and plays on a long stretch of road with nothing but the pleasant silence as your muse.

But everyone knows, the stillness is but a prelude to the madness that will ensue in the next few hours. The proverbial quiet before the storm. But storms pass, and the day always comes to a close, and then comes another dawn.

I spent my Saturday with a movie-marathon. I watched 'Exorcist - The Beginning' and 'The Crow'. I finally got to watch The Exorcist, lazyboy promised to lend me a copy but it never materialized...scatty freak, always forgetting shit. In my opinion, the movie sucked, after the first CD I was contemplating on wether I should continue watching or switch to another movie. The story was so weak, thank God for the bag of cornick's that I was eating, at least it made the viewing bearable. The movie had a few good scenes, but it couldn't top the original. It was too 'polished', too 'Hollywood'; the first one well, technically the second one had this documentary feel, adding a sense of authenticity to it...you watch it and you forget that it's just a movie.

The Crow on the other hand is still one of the coolest movies I have seen. Released a few years back it still has this freshness to it that made it an instant cult classic...it's a shame Brandon Lee died prematurely.

I'm starting to like this no work on Saturday arrangement.

Then Sunday came, I didn't really feel like going through all the trouble and watch Sinulog so we decided to stay home and watch the parade on TV...with our trusty bag of cornicks. Then I had a chance to see this documentary about Muhammad Ali which was good. Then at 8 in the evening 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' was on HBO, and me being a big Indiana Jones fan ever since I saw it way back in the day when short pants were short, I didn't pass up the chance, and it's been a while since we had the chance to sit down and just enjoy a movie as a family but minus my father, he slept early — WAY TOO EARLY...8 o'clock to be precise, he had a headache. We had a good time, even the baby got a 'kick' out of it, hehe...and this time around I didn't touch the cornicks.

- - -

I said this once, and I'll say this again...if I raise my voice that doesn't constitute anger...I just have a shitty grasp of my volume control so there will be times when It'll be a few decibels higher than usual; so when you hear high pitched squeals it's either me and my fucked up volume or you're in the ocean swimming with dolphins...which will is bad because you can't swim for shit.

- - -

Oh by the way...I finally got to feel the baby move! It's still pretty subtle but I felt someone squirming in there.

- - -

I know compared to some it ain't much but come on, 2 years? 2 awesome years! In the words of Ronnie James Dio...WE ROCK!

THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS


WAR PIGS
Black Sabbath

Generals gathered in their masses
Just like witches at black masses
Evil minds that plot destruction
Sorcerers of death's construction
In the fields the bodies burning
As the war machine keeps turning
Death and hatred to mankind
poisoning their brainwashed minds
Oh Lord yeah

Politicians hide themselves away
They only started the war
Why should they go out to fight
They leave that all to the poor

Time will tell on their power minds
Making war just for fun
Treating people just like pawns in chess
Wait 'till their judgment day comes

Now in darkness world stops turning
As the war machine keeps burning
No more war pigs have the power
Hand of God has struck the hour
Day of judgment God is calling
On their knees, the war pigs crawling
Begging mercy for their sins
Satan laughing spreads his wings
Oh Lord yeah

Yesterday, I thought that Tabulas fell victim to yet another effort to curb the internet use in this place, I'm glad it's back and running today.

Yesterday 3 of my good friends paid me a vsit at home. We had a few beers and got a chance to catch up and update each one with what's going on in their neck of the woods. One Got married and he dropped by because he wanted to have their wedding photo album 'customized' by me...now by customize I am not really sure what to do, but I can't say no and besides i owe it to him, because I wasn't there for the wedding. The other has a new girlfriend (again) and the last one just expanded his small cellphone shop to accomodate more customers. It ahs been quite some time since I had a drink especially with these people so obviously I got a little tipsy and slept like a log, therefore I had to cancel my morning run...I'll be back tomorrow.

Yesterday I forgot that Kim no longer has to work. She decided to quit her job to focus more on the pregnancy and just have ample time for her to rest.

Yesterday, I had to post in another blog site...

Yesterday, on my way home I passed by the old place...the key word here is OLD. It has aged since we left, if places do really grow old — then I guess it's dying.

Yesterday my mother prepared something special for dinner, I asked what was it for? She said it was for our anniversary last Monday. Thank God for mothers.

Yesterday felt like I was in a daze.

Yesterday I was introduced to 'Tegan and Sara' and 'the Dresden Dolls' by Amuer, I loved 'The Dresden Dolls' more, you should try and listen to one of their songs if you get the chance.

Yesterday I felt like sleeping...the whole day.

Yesterday is a song by The Beatles.

Yesterday felt like time stopped dead in its tracks.

Yesterday wasn't half as bad as today...I still feel like sleeping.

Yesterday almost never happened.

My stomach is churning, in this cubicle where the day sends me in a nauseating spiral down PROFESSIONALISM, I am trying my very best not to vomit at the sight of some people...at the sound of their voices, at the sight of them, walking by like ghosts, yes there are ghosts some authentic...others by choice, therefore we brand them as poseurs or wannabes, I don't mind as long as you keep your shit away from mine then everything will be fine and dandy.

I feel sick for the past 2 days..weak, all I want to do is sleep. There's a certain malaise, a malady that has stricken me, maybe I should go back to running? This never happened when I ran...

This place is cold, synthetic and I can smell plastic, circuits in heat, wires down my feet look like moldy spaghetti, gray and dead...bleak, like today. Bleak as a Black Saturday, uneventful...tepid.

There's this itch I have to scratch. there's this thing I have to do and there's this place I have to be, it's the music we hear, the sounds that make us silly with delight, it's the movies we watch that makes our groins burn and become incandescent, it's the books we read that feeds us, makes us erudite or become elitists and therefore transforming us to be boorish assholes, jerks and fuckers.

It's in the water, man...must be something that they put in the water.

MR. PINK
"Like a Virgin" is all about a
girl who digs a guy with a big
dick. The whole song is a
metaphor for big dicks.

MR. BLUE
No it's not. It's about a girl
who is very vulnerable and she's
been fucked over a few times.
Then she meets some guy who's
really sensitive--


MR. PINK
--Whoa...whoa...time out Greenbay.
Tell that bullshit to the
tourists.


JOE
(looking through his
address book)
Toby...who the fuck is Toby?
Toby...Toby...think...think...
think...


MR. PINK
It's not about a nice girl who
meets a sensitive boy. Now
granted that's what "True Blue" is
about, no argument about that.


MR. ORANGE
Which one is "True Blue?"


NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't remember "True Blue?"
That was a big ass hit for
Madonna. Shit, I don't even
follow this Tops In Pops shit, and
I've at least heard of "True
Blue."


MR. ORANGE
Look, asshole, I didn't say I
ain't heard of it. All I asked
was how does it go? Excuse me
for not being the world's biggest
Madonna fan.


MR. BROWN
I hate Madonna.


MR. BLUE
I like her early stuff. You know,
"Lucky Star," "Borderline" - but
once she got into her "Papa Don't
Preach" phase, I don't know, I
tuned out.


MR. PINK
Hey, fuck all that, I'm
making a point here. You're gonna
make me lose my train
of thought.


JOE
Oh fuck, Toby's that little china
girl.


MR. WHITE
What's that?


JOE
I found this old address book in a
jacket I ain't worn in a coon's
age. Toby what? What the fuck
was her last name?


MR. PINK
Where was I?


MR. ORANGE
You said "True Blue" was about a
nice girl who finds a sensitive
fella. But "Like a Virgin" was a
metaphor for big dicks.


MR. PINK
Let me tell ya what "Like a
Virgin"'s about. It's about some
cooze who's a regular fuck
machine.
I mean all the time, morning, day,
night, afternoon, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
dick.


MR. BLUE
How many dicks was that?


MR. WHITE
A lot.


MR. PINK
Then one day she meets a John
Holmes motherfucker, and it's
like, whoa baby. This mother
fucker's like Charles Bronson in
"The Great Escape." He's diggin
tunnels. Now she's gettin this
serious dick action, she's feelin
something she ain't felt since
forever. Pain.


JOE
Chew? Toby Chew? No.


MR. PINK
It hurts. It hurts her. It
shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should
be Bubble-Yum by now. But when
this cat fucks her, it hurts. It
hurts like the first time. The
pain is reminding a fuck machine
what is was like to be a virgin.
Hence, "Like a Virgin."



The fellas crack up.

JOE
Wong?


MR. PINK
Fuck you, wrong. I'm right! What
the fuck do you know about it
anyway? You're still listening to
Jerry-fucking-Vale.

- - -

Heheheeee!

» from Quentin Tarantino's 'Reservoir Dogs'

I'm looking forward to going home...I don't know why? Nothing special tonight, I just miss home, which feels kind of weird, can't really understand why, it's not like I've been away...heck, I was just there this morning.

6:17 says the miniature PC clock...time, there's never enough time, it seems we are always running out of time.

- - -

Not much to write about really, everythings in this loop where thngs, faces and places just revolve in a sick musical chair kind of nightmare. The days go by so fast, everything seems to be in slow motion and fast forward all at the same time it's so fucked up. I noticed that I have been cursing a lot lately, I don't know...it feels so good, so liberating to curse and shout obscenities once in a while...profanity, even the word sounds dirty!

- - -

6:31 I'm starving.

Temple of the Dog
Four Walled World
orange marker, bright...thinking of how long I'm going to run tomorrow.

I felt squirming in Kim's tummy last night, right after I rubbed a Tech deck board against her stomach, that kid better pick up a skateboard when he/she gets big enough to do kickflips...smith grinds...nose grinds...K-grinds...nollie heel flips...method airs...FUCK I'm going insane.

I'm out.

I should start 'decorating' this cubicle if I am to preserve my sanity, but that would mean I'm beginning to be comfortable here, I know I have been adjusting quite well, but there are just times when this place could suck the paint off the walls. There lies my dilemma, should I start plastering photos, torn magazine pages, stickers and whatnot or leave this cubicle looking sterile and dead. And one more thing, if I start sticking shit up the walls, there's always this question that starts ringing in my left ear, "If I stick a load of crap on this piece of square void, AM I BEING PROFESSIONAL?" And here's another thing, I don't know why but it usually starts in my left ear and gradually works its way to the right and then down my spine. It fucking creeps the shit out of me!

- - -

The only downside to this whole "running in the wee hours of the morning" bit is that I sleep early, WAY TOO EARLY. Which is fine but I get to miss out on the usual after dinner talks and the late night TV viewing and waiting to see if the baby kicks this time when we tune in to The Discovery Channel.

- - -

In a few days Kim's parents will be leaving, they'll be going back to Vancouver. She's a bit sad but that's just the way things will have to go for now, her mom will be back this April, hopefully in time for her to give birth.

- - -

The weather is fucked up, this morning when I stepped out of the house, it was pouring...I bet the sun is out by now. If I had a window, I'd definitely bet on it, but this place only has walls, not a window is in sight, all I can see is an adjacent room through the glass panels and it looks bright so I guess the sun is out...no windows I tell yah! Well, at least from where I'm sitting; a building with no windows, now that in itself is fucked up.

Pardon the cussing, I'm hooked on obscenities as of late.

Check out 'The A to Z of Design'.

» from Vice

The weekend is upon us again, a time to do all the things that you've planned for the whole week, a time to get freakishly inebriated, a time to let your hair down, kick those heels up, get down and let loose, do movie marathons, drink like a fish, eat all the chips you want 'till you smell like cooking oil, drink some more, stay up late, consume alcohol like a fiend, goof off, fool around, get intoxicated, dance naked on top of someone's car, get piss-drunk and do all the great stuff that'll make for good conversation at the water cooler come Monday next week.

And so with that I bid all of you a kick-ass weekend!

Taxi fare from SM to Banilad = P55
2 long neck bottles of Tanduay Rum, 2 packs of Tang orange juice and a bag of ice = P100

lazyboy sprawled on the lawn half-dead after puking his guts out because dude was piss-drunk! = PRICELESS

Kick-ass weekend indeed.

Monday is so damn sluggish, the day is dragging on, like steel grating on pavement, like teeth gritting, like a dull knife slicing through a metal pipe, just thinking about it makes my hairs stand on end. I sometimes find myself falling asleep at my desk, fading to black, trailing off...I am so sleepy, I need toothpicks to force my eyelids open, or some duct tape to fasten my eyelids onto my forehead...I WANT TO SLEEP.

Maybe I'm still in a "weekend" state of mind? Speaking of the weekend, I never thought I'd see the greatest pukefest ever, lazyboy puked his heart out until he belly up on their grassy lawn, and Kittie well, let's just say that it was more emotional and mental than having too much alcohol. I wish I had a camera with me that time, if I did have a camera you'd bet your sweet asses your faces will be plastered in this blog for weeks to come. Matt got there just in time for the second long neck...lucky bastard, hehe. I was glad I came to Jeres' house, and we were glad Kittie came, it's been a long while since we had a chance to sit together and catch up on old times.

But back to today, it's just awful. I am not really functioning as I should. I feel tired and it seems that the room is getting stuffier by the minute, I feel like I'm being choked.

There are times when I'd wish I should have stayed home, spare myself and others the trouble...this is one of those days. It gets to a certain point wherein you'd rather hole yourself in some corner than go out and sleepwalk through the day...I hate the feling but it's just as common as having a cold.

I hope tomorrow won't suck so much.

I was at home yesterday making as many trips to the bathroom as humanly possible, drained and weak because I can't shit anything 'solid' (I know that's too much information, but this is my blog and I can write anything I want) and as Kim went to her parents house to spend a few days with them before they leave tomorrow...I was living the life.

The only thing good about being sick is that you get PAMPERED.

- - -

There are some people that you just want to kill, first thing in the morning...KILL! MAIM! DISEMBOWEL!

void

They say everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences in life. If so, will I regret 'IT' in the coming days? If I had I been absent from work today instead of last Tuesday, would things be different, would it affect the future? Would the ramifications be in my favor or will it be against me? There are no definite answers, and while I ponder on the decision I made today it will surely create ripples tomorrow, wether I like it or not. While I twist and turn, and bite my nails until all of them are spent, the future has been altered all because of a few seconds.

But if I said yes, and took the chance...would the future be any different, or will things be the same no matter what?

I know I'm being vague, I have to...for now.

But as they say, there's no use crying over spilt milk. And when I get home and tell this story to Kim, I know what she'll say, it's in the first lines of this entry...'everything happens for a reason', she always says that, and so far she's always right...speaking of going home, I am dying to go. I feel tired and I have been off lately with work, I am not up to it, the past week has been a drag.

I want to go home, bad...Kim is back home, her parents left for Vancouver this morning, she's sad...I know her too well, you'd think she's well adjusted to it by now but I guess there are things you really can't get used to. But she'll be fine, in a few days she'll be back to her old self, she'll bounce right back and move on...she'd better, because we have to focus on April and the baby, and speaking of the baby, she says it can't stay still. It's always moving. I don't know what the heck it's dong in there but it's like she's squirming..A LOT LATELY. At least she's not pulling or tugging on anything in there.

Sammy said when are we going to know the sex of the baby because she's tired of calling it 'IT'. Maybe next month? For convenience purposes, we'll refer to it as 'she' for the meantime.

They say all the world is a stage, and if indeed a stage is where we are at right now, then we are but mere actors and by actors we pretend, make believe or conjure up some imaginary persona, some fantasy for mass consumption or personal gratification. A facade in front of all and in the midst of people with similar inclinations, everything is a ruse and a drama for we are after all in a stage and you can dance, or sing a different tune everyday or hour whichever tickles your fancy...yes, at times we are all phonies, painful as it is to admit but sometimes WE ARE THE BIGGEST FAKES WE'LL EVER KNOW and we are good at it. We are all guilty, we are all vulnerable to the pitfalls of doing or saying something which is totally out of character...or being someone else because we want to be percieved as different, cool, detached, insouciant, jaded or apathetic.

And don't wave your fists at me in anger or shake your heads in disbelief or denial because at one point in our silly lives we were as fake as a Three Peso bill.

And if you were not, at one point then God bless your soul for you my friend are a saint.

I know I am going to get a lot of flak for this post but guess what...I don't give a flying fuck.

tangled
lines so

visible

and your haircut is out—

sourced?

outlandish, that was what I meant
so sorry to dis—

appoint you as the lackey, no one has the balls
to put up or just shut up.

making noises...glances
so scared, and hush for the night is coming and
I am about to take flight, and the monsters
in my belly they gloat, as a box awaits so I mope

to dissect the situation I am incapable

as they wait for me, so I bleed...and nursery

rhymes with cursory I looked the
word up and it means 'fleeting'
like this day, like this place, like this post

so I will withdraw, and
rest my weary head, and bask in radio—

active waves at home, on the couch
like potatoes on vacation

Holy Shit!

Tomorrow wll be the start of February, in the next couple of days, i'll be 30, I shit you not! I'll be thirty fucking years old! Back when I was a kid I always thought that when you reach that age, you're old, I always thought that I'd look like one of my uncles, or some old dude on the street. At one point I never even entertained the idea of turning 30, i've always thought that I'd die young. Yeah...this coming from someone who doesn't even have the balls to try some really extreme shit like Bunjee jumping, Sky diving, Chess or any sport with a very high probabiltiy for death.

Yesterday while Kim and I were hearing mass, in church (yes, I do go to church...occasionally) we were talking (as what we always do in church), I asked her if she can see me in a couple of years wearing those LaCoste shirts tucked in and and wearing white shorts with the loafers, or some shiny leather shoes with no socks plus the obligatory cellphone strapped to the belt and some car keys hanging at my side (granting that in a few years and with my salary, I can buy something that closely resembles an automobile). Well, she said she can forgive me for the LaCoste shirt but the other stuff, she really can't see me in those (at this point I raised my hands and let out a very resounding Hallelujah!).

But she said that maybe in the coming years I should cut down on wearing loose trousers that hung low, and not show too much of the boxer shorts and maybe, once in a while trade in the sneakers for a nice pair of shoes.

Okaaaay.

Seriously though, I am slowly ditching the loose pants, but I still show some of the boxers (I feel comfortable with the jeans hung low...it makes it ergonomic, makes it for easy moving), bottom line is that it's all about comfort.

As for dressing my age, it never really was or is an issue, heck I could were the smartest clothes everyday to look my age but act like I'm 12...or I can dress like I do today and at least act my age. Age or in this case maturity is not reflected on how someone looks or dresses, character is not seen in the clothes one wears, it's by how a person carries himself in different situations.

Yep, I'll be 30 this month...a milestone? Maybe. A cause for celebration? Perhaps, but it's actually no big deal and besides, I'm really not looking forward to the mid-life crisis I'll probably have if I start wearing LaCoste shirts now.

» Disclaimer: I don't have anything against LaCoste or people who wear this sort of stuff for that matter...I'm just allegorically speaking.

I'm really excited about going home. Why? Kim bought a peeler, a new can opener and a chopping board. I don't know why but the thought of brand new kitchen utensils is making me hyperventilate.

Or is it just the desire to be somewhere else rather than spend another minute here.